"You don't know who you are. You get your light from a star. But I, I can see in the dark. And I....Living in this world, day to day, nothing can be so strange as to make me want to stay. I found out a long time ago, there's a voice in my head, I can't remember what it said. It said....You always answer the phone. You never go out alone. But I'm never lonely alone. No I'm never lonely alone. No I'm never lonely alone. No I'm never lonely alone." ~space needle

Those are the complete lyrics from that song, which lasts 4 minutes. I love how he draws out the words; he's not afraid to rush it.

I saw Spring Awakening on Broadway while I was home for Thanksgiving, and I never posted about it. I don't have time to write a detailed review now, but it suffices to say that it is a fabulous show. It's based on a German play written in 1891. It takes place in that setting and time period, but the music is very modern (Duncan Sheik did the music). There's a music video on the show's website; let's see if this works. Here it is:



I had a seat on-stage, which was pretty cool. Funny story: I had a great view of the audience from my seat. During one song, called "Totally Fucked," the cast is lined up along the very front of the stage. It's a really loud song, and the actors do crazy dance moves and basically just go wild. Because they're so close to the audience, the lighting illuminates the people sitting in the front row pretty well and I could see everyone clearly. There was a middle-aged Chinese man sitting in the exact center of the front row, and he was fast asleep during this song. Head was tilted to the side, mouth wide open...he was out. It looked like he was there with his teenage daughter, which was sweet of him, but I wondered why she didn't nudge him awake or something; she had to have noticed he was asleep, because his head was practically resting on her shoulder. He slept straight through this incredibly loud, wild song, and through a large portion of the rest of the act. The actors had to have noticed him, which was probably pretty funny for them. I thought it was hilarious. Anyway, go see the show if you get the chance.

As usual, I babysat for four hours today, and it wasn't bad. Meilin asked me to play Christmas carols on the piano, so I did my best to plunk through a song using the beginner's piano book that she had. I got through about five notes when she said, "Never mind, you're bad at that, come back and color." Oh well, at least I tried.

“Captain take me to the real, Electric blondes in summer feel, Pretty hearts that never die, Captain take me to the sky. Captain win and you and I, pick a star and we do fly, Love the world and it will know, Captain I don’t want to go.” ~shapes of race cars

My English seminar paper is depressing me. I’m writing about The Secret Garden, which is one of my favorite stories. The Secret Garden was actually the first Broadway show I ever saw. I remember it; I was eight years old, and it was December 26, 1992. My aunt took my cousins and I as a Christmas present, and it had such a huge impact on me. It got me addicted to Broadway. I have all the songs memorized; I could sing through the entire show if you asked me to. I listen to the OBCR very frequently. I think Lily’s Eyes is one of the most beautiful songs ever written. I love all the songs, actually; some favorites are Wick, The Girl I Mean to Be, A Bit of Earth, Race You to the Top of the Morning, Hold On, Round-Shouldered Man…they’re all just so wonderful. I love the novel as well. So I have deep emotional ties to the story. Now I’m reading lots of criticism about the novel for my essay, and I’m recognizing that the text has its serious flaws. The article I just read argues that, “Mary’s strengths [are] harnessed for patriarchal pleasure and imperial power.” And it’s a very valid argument. I’m having a really difficult time defending Burnett. Which makes me so sad.

Here’s something that demonstrates how twisted and crazy I am. Earlier today I posted an entry contemplating my future. Two hours later my mom sent me an email about that very subject, and she suggested that I consider other options besides teaching, like theater or music, which is exactly what I had been thinking about. I’m almost positive she doesn’t read this blog, and I haven’t talked to her about the subject at all, so it’s pretty creepy that she sent me that email. Anyway, I was actually bothered by her suggestion. Here’s how it’s supposed to go: I’m supposed to say that I want to take a big risk and try to get into a career in the entertainment industry, and my parents are supposed to tell me that I should be a teacher because it’s so rewarding, it will mean a steady income, it’s what I’ve always wanted to do, it’s respectable, blah blah blah…then I’m supposed to rebel and follow my heart despite their opposition…
The fact that they’re encouraging me to go for the risky, less sensible, adventurous choice actually makes it less appealing to me. How crazy is that?! I have a fantastic family that loves and supports me whatever I do and I resent them for it.

"One, one, one, one or two won't do. ‘Cause I want it all. And a sip, a sip, a sip or a spoonful won't do. No, i want it all." ~m. ward

Are y'all aware of the brilliance that is M. Ward's music? Seriously, go check him out if you haven't heard him before. His bio describes his voice as "a three-pack-a-day rasp that sounds like it should come from a 75-year-old Mississippi Delta bluesman," which is a pretty good description. I love distinct voices like that. I love it when I can hear the words catch in a singer's throat and can feel the heartbreak oozing out of them. For the longest time, I thought that the first three "One's" in the above quote were actually him singing "Wine, wine, wine." That's really what is sounds like. And it kind of makes sense, too. The above quote is from a song called "Poison Cup," which was featured on the best show on television (Veronica Mars, of course) a few weeks ago. If you watch the show (which you should be doing), the song was playing as Logan saw Veronica in the cafeteria (she didn't see him, though), called her cell phone, and watched her look at her phone and then press the 'ignore' button. The look on Jason Dohring's face combined with the song playing in the background broke my heart. I had tears in my eyes. Yep, I know, I'm a loser. Ooh, but I'm not the only TV junkie on this campus, and I'm not the only one obsessed with Veronica Mars. My English professor is also aware of Rob Thomas's brilliance (he's the show's creator). A couple of times I went to talk to her about a paper I was working on and we talked about the show. It's nice to know that one can be an intelligent, academically-minded individual and still appreciate good television.

I would love to be the music supervisor on a TV show; it sounds like such a fun job, and it combines two of my main passions. I don't know how I would get into that, though; I'm sure it would be incredibly difficult. It almost makes me want to take a job at MTV after I graduate, because that could possibly pave the way for a job as a music supervisor. My boss at MTV this summer said he could help me get a job there if I wanted one, and the possibility keeps nagging at my brain. I know I've always wanted to be a teacher, but I wonder if I'm limiting myself by not fully considering other options.

Synchro inititation was last night, and it was fun. I controlled myself, but I can't say the same for some of my crazy teammates, which made for good entertainment. This week is filled with synchro, which is going to be rough considering everything else going on. Our holiday show is on Thursday and Friday and we are sooo not ready. We still have to learn the entire opening routine. Heh. But you should still come, because hopefully we'll manage to pull it together. The kids I babysit should be coming on Friday; the girl has been practicing cheering for me. It's so cute. She says, "Go Claire! Go Claire!" over and over. And she keeps asking when she'll get to see me "dance in the water," because that's how I described it to her. Of course babysitting is another thing complicating my life. I love it, but it takes 10 hours out of my week that could be used for something else. Okay, I need to stop procrastinating and get back to essay-writing before I go babysit in 10 minutes.

"I guess its Christmas coming down, I don't want to go back home. If I'm not gonna be with you then I don't wanna be alone. So fuck your Christmas coming down, I'm not gonna go back home, and I'm not gonna be with you, and I'm not gonna sleep alone. Screw your Christmas coming down, I don't wanna go back home. I don't wanna be with you and I'm not gonna sleep alone..." ~counting crows

Don't worry, I'm not really that bitter and those lyrics don't actually express my viewpoint. But I definitely get it. AD wrote Goodnight Elisabeth (the song in which those alts are used) after his breakdown during the tour for August and Everything After. His girlfriend dumped him right before Christmas and he was miserable. Fortunately (or unfortunately, depending on how you look at it), I have no one to break up with me, so I don't have to worry about that sort of heartbreak right now. But the constant Christmas music, decorations, store displays, etc. really bug me right now. One of the radio stations I sometimes listen to in the car is now playing nothing but Christmas music and I can't listen to it. I love Christmas. I love everything about the holiday. But being constantly surrounded by it now is not helping me, because it reminds me of the fact that I can't throw myself into enjoying the season right now. Ugh.

On a happy note, hooray for the fact that people actually read this blog. Even though I mostly write this for myself, it's nice to know that these words expressing my random, disjointed, unfinished thoughts come across some other peoples' ears. It's somehow comforting. Thanks for the encouragement; it really, really helped.

Here's a tiny picture to go along with yesterday's entry. See, isn't he adorable??


I get to read Harry Potter #6 for my children's lit seminar this week. The first time I read the 6th book was in New Zealand. Because of the time difference, it was released 18 hours before it was released in the U.S. I had finished reading it before any Americans had even gotten it. Here's a lovely picture of me in my room in NZ with good 'ole Harry. Check out the cool cover (it's different than the American version). I think I posted this picture in an entry that I wrote in NZ but I'm too lazy to go back and look.



Synchro initiation is tonight, which would be fun if I didn't have to organize everything (because I'm the team captain) and could enjoy it without my mind being overwhelmed with other stuff.

"Sometimes the world seems like a big hole. You spend all your life shouting down it and all you hear are echoes of some idiot yelling nonsense down a hole." ~adam duritz

Have a mentioned that I want to marry him (Adam Duritz)? Despite the facts that I've never met him, he is old enough to be my father, and some people think he is a large unattractive man who looks like he has a pineapple on his head, I would marry him in a second if he asked. Really. I'm waiting for the day. He's brilliant, hilarious, always honest...he's even attractive in my opinion. His music can make me cry and smile at the same time. His latest journal entry is a review of the new Broadway production of Company, which I have tickets to and cannot wait to see. He wrote a great review of Sweeney Todd as well, with which I completely agreed. He loves musical theater! We seriously would be perfect for each other. Seriously.

I really can't write about reality right now because it would make me want to pull my hair out. I cannot describe how much work I have done so far this week and how much I have to do over the course of the next two weeks. I'm just about on the verge of a breakdown and I'm trying really hard to hold everything together. One more week of classes and then a week of finals and after that I'm finished with undergrad college classes. I can do it.