"Why leave me hanging on a star when you deem me so high..." ~nick drake

If I spent the entire weekend grading papers I would go crazy, so I've been giving myself breaks. I just finished reading Sharp Objects, Gillian Flynn's first novel. Oh. My. Gosh. It was amazing and incredibly well-constructed. I couldn't put it down. I love the feeling I get when reading a really, really good thriller. I love the suspense and the tension. This novel was so much more than just a thriller, though. I didn't want to finish it because it was so good and I wanted to savor it, but I couldn't stop myself. I can't wait for Flynn to finish writing her next novel.

Before reading Sharp Objects I read Jennifer Egan's The Keep. I've read both of Egan's other novels (The Invivsible Circus and Look at Me) and enjoyed them, so I was very eager to read The Keep. It did not disappoint. Like Sharp Objects, it was another suspenseful, well-written novel that kept me on the edge of my seat. Egan is such a talented writer, and she's willing to take risks (which paid off in this novel).

I found both Sharp Objects and The Keep on a list of the best books of 2006; I'll have to go back and look at the list to find some more good options, because those two novels were the best reads I've had in a long time.

Back to grading. Ugh. Tonight I'm going to a Richmond Braves game, though, which will be another fun break.

"And I know that I love the rain the most when it stops. Yeah, when it stops. Well, the dark waves, they start singing together, I can't believe this change in the weather. I start to hum a child's rhyme, and all these boats, they start rocking in time. And I love the rain the most when it stops. Yes, we love the rain the most when it stops. Yeah, when it stops." ~joe purdy

I came home from school today with three massive stacks of research papers and tests to grade. It took me multiple trips to get them into my car and then out of it once I reached my apartment. They're now piled up in the middle of our living room floor. Oh, the joys of being an English teacher.

Here's something that's been bugging me: I hate it when people are so shocked when I tell them I'm teaching in NYC next year. Well, maybe not when they're shocked, but when they express incredulity or doubt or fear or something along those lines. Some people react as if I've just told them I'm going out into the wilderness to teach English to a pack of wolves. There's this common perception that all inner-city teenagers (especially in NY) are bad-ass juvenile delinquents who don't want to and/or can't learn. That really bothers me. It also bothers me that people assume I can't handle it. In just the past week I've been told, "You're too nice to teach in NYC," and, "You just don't look like the kind of person who could handle that." What gave that person the right to determine, just by looking at me, whether or not I can handle it? Yes, I do get a little anxious sometimes when I think about my future career, but I truly believe I can be successful and will enjoy it. I know it'll be a challenge and it'll be a new experience, but I'm confident in my decision. I guess all that matters is how I feel about it, but I do get sick of hearing some other peoples' reactions.

"I thought I was smarter as I flew into the sun, but it turned out the way it does with everyone." ~audioslave

Thanks to Heather for sharing this really cool activity! Here's my Daemon, Sereno. Go find yours!



By the way, I cannot wait to see this movie.

"They scream your name at night in the street, your graduation gown lies in rags at your feet. And in the lonely cool before dawn, you hear their engines roaring on..." ~bruce springsteen

I haven't written in awhile because my life has been way too busy lately. Some of the stuff that's been occupying my time is fun, end-of-the-year celebratory stuff, while some is more annoying/overwhelming. But I think things are winding down now, which is nice.

I've gotten to attend events that have allowed me reflect on my time here. My synchro banquet was great, although it was so sad to say goodbye to those girls who are like my sisters. They gave me a beautiful mug that they made for me (and all signed) at All Fired Up!, which was very sweet. I went to the IV senior dinner, my last Paid in Full, and the final Choeur De Roi concert, which were all great. I also got to grade 90 research papers this past weekend, though, which was not fun. And tomorrow I'll start receiving a new crop of 90 more (their final drafts). Joy.

If you're in need of a laugh, read this. It's an email from a girl in one of my classes; I know I've mentioned her before. She's absolutely hilarious (and slightly crazy). I've never met anyone like her and know I never will again. Anyway, she was absent when I passed back the graded rough drafts, and her friend Brigitt volunteered to take her paper and give it to her. The two girls are always together, so I knew it wouldn't be a problem. Except Brigitt had to go to the hospital earlier this week and has been MIA since then. Here's the email that BigBird sent:

Subject: im gonna die because im gonna try and beat brigitt up but then she'll fight me back and then ill die.

so i cant get in touch with her to get my paper.
she wont call me back.
she wont text me back.
i have no earthly idea what to do.
i planned on just retyping my paper, bc i wrote that at the library, so i was just gonna copy it all onto my computer. but i dont have it to copy. im gonna die. i cant re write it. i mean i can, but this is gay and just not fair. i know i sound like a little whiney baby but i cant help it im about to start my period and im gonna die and prom is this weekend and i dont even have a dress yet and alskd al;sdfja;lsfkj a;kfja;lsfkj a;sl jkaljk a;lskdjf alksdj fa;lsdkfj adkjfasdlf;k
I HATE MY LIFEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE
loveyou.
kristen.
aka bigbird.

And that's totally unsurprising/normal coming from her.

I'm ready to graduate. I've been ready. There are things I know I'll miss, and I know the feeling of loss will probably kick in a few months from now, but at this moment I'm ready to leave. I'm ready to be an adult in the real world. Today I temporarily felt like I fast forwarded through a chunk of my life; I was a soccer mom. I found myself driving a Volvo around town with three kids in the backseat (ages 3, 5, and 6), taking them to a soccer practice. I'm not quite ready to be in that position permanently, but it was fun for an evening.

I finished my Education Student Teaching Portfolio tonight; it's due tomorrow. It's basically worth my entire grade for that class, so I hope I do well. It'll be nice to get it out of my hands. Tomorrow evening I have two pizza parties to go to. The first is in my education class and the second is for senior Writing Fellows. There are all these continuous reminders that all this is almost over.

"Love is a battlefield..." ~pat benetar

In honor of Young People's Poetry Week:

"Tell me why. Tell me why. This is the book I never read, these are the words I never said. This is the path I'll never tread, these are the dreams I'll dream instead. This is the joy that's seldom spread, these are the tears, the tears we shed. This is the fear, this is the dread, these are the contents of my head. And these are the years that we have spent, and this is what they represent. And this is how I feel, do you know how I feel? 'Cause i don't think you know how I feel, I don't think you know what I feel, I don't think you know what I fear, you don't know what I fear." ~annie lennox

That's such a beautiful, heartbreaking song. Kelly Clarkson actually does a great cover of it that I've been listening to lately.

I think people need a good laugh right now, so here are a couple of quotes from one of the 90 research papers that I have to grade this weekend (probably more quotes to come as I keep grading):

"He was sent to the hospital near Edinburgh in France..."
"Fumbling to put on their helmets, a common name for a gas mask, one man stumbles..."

Both of those are from the same paper. I know it's awful of me to laugh while I'm grading papers, but sometimes I just can't help it. I mean, an 18 year old should know the difference between a helmet and a gas mask, right?? Oh dear. I love the kid, I really do, and I'm not making fun of him, but it's hard not to laugh when reading that in a formal research paper. Ms. W. says we have to laugh because otherwise we would be crying.

"I've been up all night, and I might sleep all day. Get your dreams just right, and let 'em slip away, I might sleep all day." ~counting crows

I'm back from (sometimes) sunny South Carolina. And I'm exhausted. We were supposed to come back last night but our flight was cancelled because of the weather in Newark, so they put us on a 6:15am flight this morning. We had to get up at 4:00am. Not fun. But we had a great trip. We spent most of the time packing up stuff in the house. My grandparents aren't moving until August, but they have so much stuff that they really needed to start getting ready early. It felt like we did so much work and yet looked like we had done nothing when we left. My aunt, uncle, and cousin from NYC were there with us. It was great to hang out with Bess. On the first day she told me she was so glad I was there with her, and I felt the same way. I love Bess. She's the cousin with whom I'm closest. She's 13, but she seems much older (she's 5'9", so she looks much older as well). Every day we would collect a bunch of stuff (miniature tea sets or some other item that our grandmother collects), put on a movie (we watched "She's the Man," "Yours, Mine, and Ours," and "Charlie's Angels"), and wrap and pack the trinkets. We went shopping a few times. We tried on these gorgeous shoes (can you tell which feet are mine?):

Along with some other crazy clothes. Here we are again in our shoes (taking a picture of ourselves in the mirror):

Bess is one of my favorite people. We're very different, but we get along so well. She's loud and outgoing and cuddly and uninhibited and I love it. Whenever we're walking (through a store, around the house, anywhere) she'll put her arm around across my shoulders or around my waist or link it through mine, or she'll drape herself over my back and lock her arms around my neck or my waist. She loves hugging and touching, and sometimes it's nice to have someone to hug. I wish I could be the kind of person who feels comfortable initiating physical contact like that.
Bess, however, is not necessarily the kind of person you want to be around before 6:00am. She has way too much energy and requires those around her to exhibit the same amount of energy. Luckily she watched a movie by herself on the plane ride home this morning and let me read my book quietly.
A few years ago Bess and I went to see the Broadway production of Little Women together. Of course she talked throughout the entire thing. Usually that annoys me to no end, but during this particular show I actually appreciated it (although I did keep shushing her for the sake of those sitting near us). I absolutely hated the show, so Bess made it more interesting. She has some sort of commentary for everything. She'd say things like, "Ooh, that's the ugliest wig I've ever seen." Or, "Why on earth did people ever think those kind of clothes were a good idea?" Or, "Ew, he's waaaay too old for her." She's pretty funny.

It was great to spend time with my grandparents and my aunt and uncle as well. I love my family so much.
I can't believe I have to go back to school in a couple of days. I'm not looking foward to it.

"Welcome to the jungle." ~guns 'n roses

Today was an eventful day at my high school. Around 10:30am we went into emergency lock-down, which has happened before (for bomb threats and drug busts), so that wasn't such a big deal; we're all used to those. I was with my class in the library and they kept working on their research (a lock-down just means that no one can leave the room in which they are located when the lock-down is initiated). Then one student went onto the local NBC website and found that our high school was the lead story. The headline read, "Tucker High Evacuated." That caused quite a stir among my kids, because we were sitting inside a school building and obviously had not been evacuated. There was a video on the website (it should still be on the front page) with a newscaster reporting from our school about a chemical leak, and the students kept playing the video. The school is a campus made up of 19 different buildings, and one building was evacuated because of a chemical spill. 16 kids were taken to the hospital. There were tons of ambulances, fire trucks, police cars, and news vans parked outside. Of course it was impossible for my kids to focus on their work when all this was going on. The headline on the website was eventually changed to "Some Students Evacuated at Tucker High School" and intercom announcements told us to stay where we were. The kids joked around, pretending to be sick, and kept looking out the windows, but they eventually got annoyed when we had to stay together in the library past the end of the period and into their lunch time. They were pretty antsy (and hungry) by the time we were finally released. So was I. At the end of the day they let us know that a student had released pepper spray in a classroom, and that was what caused people to be sick. That student definitely caused a whole lotta chaos, and he or she is probably going to face serious criminal charges. There's always something going on at my school. Last week it was a kid cutting another kid with a box cutter during the middle of a class (the inured kid was sent to the hospital). It's pretty sad.

"I don't know anymore what it's for. I'm not even sure if there is anyone who is in the sun. Will you help me to understand? 'Cause I've been caught in between all I wish for and all I need. Maybe you're not even sure what it's for any more than me. May God's love be with you, always. May God's love be with you." ~joseph arthur

I've had that song on repeat for awhile now. It's wonderful.

My kids found me on Facebook. I'm "friends" with some of them now. Heh. I love them.

I am so ready for spring break. Have I mentioned that already? Be prepared to hear it a few more times this week. I'm going home for Easter; it'll be the first Easter I've spent at home in 4 years. Then on Monday my mom and I are flying to Columbia, S.C. to visit my grandparents . My aunt and uncle and one of my cousins will be there at the same time, so I'll get to spend time with them. My grandparents are moving to a smaller house soon, and we'll all help them get ready for the move. They said I can claim any items from their house that I want. Another one of my uncles will be there the week after and is driving back up north in a rented truck, in which he'll take all the stuff that us northern family members have claimed. My grandparents have a pretty big house and waaaay too much stuff; my grandmother is a packrat (a trait I inherited from her). So there's no way all their furniture and everything will fit in their new house. I don't know what furniture I'll be able to fit into my NYC apartment, either.

My grandparents are thrilled about the move, so of course I'm happy because they are, but I'm also a little sad about it. I love their house. It's a beautiful, brick house with huge white pillars in front, holding up the second-floor balcony that overlooks the front yard. It sits atop a hill and is stately and southern. It was the first house in which I lived. I was born in Columbia and was brought back from the hospital to that house. I have many fond memories there. It is a child's dream house. My grandmother collects teddy bears, and they inhabit every single room. They overflow from antique benches, shelves and miniature pieces of furniture tucked into corners. They sit on tiny chairs at tiny tables decorated with beautiful, hand-painted tea sets (I can't even count how many such arrangements there are, but they are scattered throughout the house). Gran taught me what she called "Claire Bear's song" but what is actually titled "The Teddy Bear's Picnic." I still have it memorized. We would sing it as I played with the bears at their never-ending tea parties. The walls are covered in needlepoint creations (one of them being my first needlepoint attempt), pictures, and random odds-and-ends. In the piano room is a beautiful loveseat that is always piled with presents. Whenever Gran spots something that she thinks a friend or family member would like, she buys it, wraps it, and saves it for a special occasion (she often forgets what it is by then). One room is filled with her cards. She makes and sells calligraphy cards; she runs a pretty good business. The room is stocked with shelves for the cards, and when no one is sleeping in the room, the beds are covered with piles of cards. Whenever I visit she tells me to pick out the cards I like. She made some with a Bono quote especially for me. Photos fill the house. They sit on every inch of free space. They're mostly photos of me and my cousins, but there are also photos of my mom and her brothers when they were younger, other relatives, and my grandparents on some of their many trips. There are candy dishes scattered throughout the house, and they always feature some sort of seasonal candy (it will most likely be jelly beans for Easter). There is a pool out back that I love. I could go on and on about my grandparents' house, but I'll stop now. I'll miss it. I'll have to take lots of pictures during this trip.